I announced it over dinner. I was 13 and had learnt all the words to Anarchy In The UK – which was not difficult as all I had to do was growl like I had Cornflakes ...
I thought about it while cutting onions. I thought about it after stubbing my big toe on the trolley thing under the bed that is meant to contain shoes but has become ...
There’s a whole lot of sexism going on. First, the new body scanning machine at the gym coldly informed me I am the Khulubuse Zuma of the exercise world. I’m convinced ...
The circumference of my head is 48cm. I once lifted a rock that weighed at least 50kg. I put my back out and spent three days walking like a poisoned rat, but I ...
He was big, black – and naked. And his bareness so offended the residents of Strand, that he was forced to leave town. Now he stands in a field in the Hex River ...
The new birdbath has been crowded with doves. They mostly come in the afternoon, cautiously perching on the metal rim, one eye on the cat.
In a few weeks’ time, I will be wing(e)ing my way to London. Actually, the whinging will only start somewhere over Morocco. First there will be a low mewling, then ...
Helen Walne has a parking-related confession to make.
Why we should cut out the middlemen and keep it local.
The Walne clan is in recovery mode after a topsy-turvy few weeks.
There’s nothing like a visit from the parents to make you clean up your act.
From one Helen to another … Helen Walne has a few words of advice for the premier
We are living in a post-feminist society, so deal with it
Helen Walne takes an instructive trip down memory lane
Helen Walne is too young for a mid-life crisis and too old to care
Watch out, Mamodupi Mohlahla: Helen Walne is learning how to complain
Pooh-pooh to sin tax voodoo, fine dog-doo instead, writes Helen Walne
We need to learn to live and love the moment, writes Helen Walne