An arduous life deserves an ‘Ard, you owe us’ tax

THE BUTCHERING of national anthems and a white wealth tax appear to be on everyone’s minds these days.

So in the spirit of all things trendy, I’ve found a way I can cash in on both of these things… for the greater good, of course.

When the Arch first uttered those now dreaded words so many people “who used to have the greatest respect for him” immediately withdrew their support and called him a mad old fool.

I think they’re the lot who suffer from the “that’s lovely, just not in my backyard” syndrome.

Then there were the virtual hecklers blasting Tutu on web-based news discussion forums. They are subdued in real life but rather lippy when allowed to hide behind the security blanket of anonymity that cyberspace offers.

This lot will blast everything: the sky for being blue, the rain for falling during winter and apartheid for having ended. So I didn’t really pay any mind to them. There just aren’t enough therapists in the world to help them.

But there was also a group – albeit minute – who agreed with the Arch. Provided the government didn’t get their fat cat paws on the cash, they were willing to give this a try.

I thought a good place to look for a wealthy white person to sponsor me directly would be in the newsroom. After all, charity begins at home. And work is about as close as it gets for many of us.

To clarify, journalists get paid peanuts. So on the rare occasion you do come across a wealthy journalist, it must mean they have a trust fund. Or that they’re of incredibly sober habits.

I approached one of my colleagues who I thought would fit into the first category, but it seems she was already spoken for. She had been pledged to a senior member of staff who needed to do some renovations on his house.

Feeling a bit despondent about lucking out, I forgot about the whole thing.

That is, until Tuesday night’s epic rendition of the national anthem by Just Jinger front man Ard Matthews. It was rivalled only by the infamous Ras Dumisani.

Matthews apologised profusely, saying that the honour was so great that the nerves had kicked in. And apparently kicked the words right out of his memory. I don’t buy it.

Here we have an artist who has performed in front of international crowds and remembered his words perfectly. Something tells me Mr Matthews just didn’t do his homework.

Back in the 90s, all it took was a free government issued ruler with the lyrics emblazoned on the back to get us belting out the anthem loudly and proudly. Even if we didn’t understand what any of it meant at the time.

The anthem spectacle unravelled through tweets and Facebook updates in no time. That’s when the wheels started turning, and the lightbulb started flashing.

If Ard Matthews really was sorry for embarrassing the nation, surely he would agree to be my wealth tax service provider. In fact, I would be the perfect person to make amends to, given my background.

There are many who can vouch that we never had a domestic worker or a dishwasher. We had to clean our own rooms and wash our own dishes. This wreaked havoc on my soft hands and nails.

I attended government schools without school halls. We were made to stand outside for assembly if the rain was not that severe. This caused endless bad-hair days, not to mention the occasional sniffle.

But the main reason Matthews should be my sponsor is because I once bought an original copy of one of his albums. I turned down offers of copied CDs and spent the money instead. So I, in fact, helped contribute to Matthews’ wealth and have decided that now is the time to get a return on my R120 investment.

And Matthews can rest assure that I will not squander the money. I’ll use it very thoughtfully to right past wrongs.

First thing on my list is a dishwasher. I’m still hand washing my dishes. Next on my list is a string of manicures. I don’t know if the damage will ever be fully repaired, but I will surely try.

The untold horror I suffered as a teen with bad hair will also have to be rectified. I’m tracking down the best hairdresser in town, and ordering the works. And just to show that I am willing to give back something lasting to my sponsor, I’m going to dig out that old ruler and help Ard learn our anthem.

Wealth tax aside, it’s the very least he can do.