The final home run

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DEAR Dr K, I would like some advice please. My daughter will be writing her matric exams soon. I have become this constant nagging mom, always scolding her to get to her books. She has become withdrawn and will not listen. Prefersto just sit in her room. What can I do?

Dear Reader, Thank you for reaching out to me. First, congratulations to you and your daughter for having reached this wonderful milestone. I’m sure that hard work has got you to this final stage.

Being a matric pupil is becoming increasingly difficult these days. The amount of work that the pupils have to put in is just mind boggling. The teachers are keen to maintain a high pass rate for their respective subjects as it proves their own success. Likewise, the school as an institution also places high value on the overall pass rate.

Pupils are subjected to extra revision lessons after school, even on Saturdays and during holidays. All in the belief that this extra effort will yield good results. Some pupils also have “tuition” in subjects they either want to excel in or where they may be facing challenges. These pupils are mentally and physically exhausted.

I’m hardly surprised that your daughter now spends more time in her room. The home is supposed to be a safe space to unwind, to let your guard down. And if all she hears is noise, naturally, she is going to become withdrawn and isolate herself.

I understand that you want her to excel as you are looking out for her future. You want the best for her. She is your child and gift. But it is possible that she is afraid of letting you down or causing disappointment. It is important to understand that not all children have the same intellectual capacity to be “A” students.

Every person has at least 11 intelligences. Yet, academic success is the only measure that we acknowledge and place huge emphasis on. Remember also, that she is coming to the end of a very long 12-year school phase. That brings with it a new set of challenges. It means ending relationships with teachers and friends because everyone goes their own way once the exams are over. A few friends may still stay in touch. But that’s about it.

The role of the parent at this important and trying time in the matric pupil’s life is to be the parent who provides support, understanding and shows care. Nagging and scolding is not the way to go. Remember, you wrote your matric a while back. You are not the matric pupil.Your role should be one of fear and stress reduction.

There are many ways in which you can do this. My first suggestion is to set aside some mother-daughter time. You can take her out for tea or lunch. During this time talk to her about how she is feeling. Not how you are feeling. Listen and hear her out. Don’t jump in with “fix-it” solutions. Avoid comparing her with anyone – not your other children if you have any, nor yourself or your partner.

Instead, ask her what you can do to support her. Take your lead from that. She may tell you she doesn’t want you to nag. She may ask you to trust and believe in her or she may tell you what she is afraid of. Work with that. Offer unconditional support irrespective of the outcome. Reassure her that it’s not the end of the world if the results are not the greatest. Fear of disappointing parents and not living up to their expectations are not a results of good parenting.

One of my nieces is a high- flyer but gets overwhelmed and easily stressed. She is studying in Cape Town. Her mother devised a plan that from Monday to Friday, they will go online from 7 to 8pm. Mom will get on with her work prep and the daughter will study. If the daughter is struggling with something, she raises it so mom or dad may provide a solution.

It sounds like a ridiculous situation, but it’s working. Why? Because the mom is providing support. You can do the same depending on your home circumstance – meaning you can sit quietly with your daughter every day while she studies.The concept behind this is providing physical support.

Ask if you can summarise a page of notes or organise/file something. During this highly stressful period for matric pupils, your job as a mother is to provide comfort. It could be food and positive affirmations of love and respect. Encourage her to take breaks in between studying, to take meals with the family, to take some down time. Sound wave music is both calming and energising at the same time. It’s good for time out and very necessary to re-boot.

Yet another idea is to host a pre-exam tea party with her fellow matric friends and their moms. By interacting with them, you may see that all moms may be behaving like you and you can use it to learn a few tips they may be using to help their kids along. Make this final home run a fun ride.

Wishing all matric pupils the very best. You can do it.

Dr Sandy Kalyan is a psychologist, life coach and reiki practitioner

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