Blending life together as a family

A GROWING number of South Africa’s children are living in extended family homes and not the the traditional nuclear setting.

Blended family life has become a norm and one that should well planned and invested in, say experts.

According to the Department of Social Development there has been a steady decline in traditional ‘nuclear’ families in South Africa.

A white paper on families published by the department in June last year, noted that registered marriages had declined over a period of ten years (2008-2017), except for a slight increase of 0.6% between 2016 and 2017.

There has also been a steady increase in divorce rates across the country.

“The total number of divorces fluctuated over the period 2008 to 2011 followed by a consistent increase from 2012 to 2017, with the highest number observed in 2009 (30,763) and the lowest in 2011 (20,980),” the department said.

Experts have been reported widely in the media saying that the Covid-19 pandemic also related in an uptick in couples filing for divorce. It is believed this was aggravated by mental health issues like anxiety and depression, and the job losses and financial strain, all ripple effects of the pandemic.

In 2018 the Children’s Institute at the University of Cape Town released the 13th issue of the South African Child Gauge, an annual publication of the Institute which aims to report on and monitor the situation of children in South Africa. This particular edition focused on children in relation to families and the state.

According to their report 62% of children in South Africa live in an extended family situation and only 25% form part of a traditional nuclear family structure.

No more taboo

Focus on the Family is a non-profit organization with one of its objectives being to help families with marriage and parenting counselling and workshops.

Valerie Govender, the communications director at Focus on the Family in South Africa, referring to the 2018 Child Gauge stats, said: “It’s also believed that children in Africa are more likely to live apart from both parents. South Africa seems to be following a global trend though as two-parent families are becoming less common, specifically in America, Europe and Oceania.

"According to the South African College of Applied Psychology, South Africa’s rising divorce rate - with indicators that almost half of marriages fail, and many within nine years - means that blended families may well become the most common form of family in the country.“

Govender said a step-family, also called a blended family, is a complex mixture of loyalties, cultures, traditions, DNA, expectations, parenting styles, losses, fears and people — those in the home and outside the home (like ex-spouses and adult children).

“Merging as a step-family means merging all of these pieces. Family harmony and peace come when the parts bond and integrate.

“There is much evidence to confirm that blended families are more accepted today and contributing to healthier communities. Most remarried couples can beat the odds of divorce and build a successful blended family if they know how to overcome the unique barriers to marital intimacy in a blended family.

“The most intriguing feature of a uniquely beautiful quilt is the irregular patchwork. Blended families are like that.

“Whether the family is blended by marriage, built by adoption or foster parenting, or even created in a group-home setting, the unexpected shapes result in a beautiful pattern. It may disrupt the seamless composition of a traditional family, and can leave room for heartache, but the blessings can far outweigh the pain,” she said.

Govender said time is key in allowing your blended family to grow: “Many experts say it takes five years or more for a blended family to begin to feel cohesive. There's no way to force a family to bond, but with faith and persistent effort, families can grow closer. The task of building a successful blended family is challenging and complicated. Even under the most ideal circumstances it takes time – lots of it.”

Different portraits

Govender said bended families face unique challenges. “That doesn’t make them better or worse, just different. Understanding the factors that make step-families distinct is critical. It can make the difference between a blended family that is floundering and one that is built on a solid foundation of love and trust. Below, are three portraits of blended families and some insight on how to navigate the challenges and be more supportive.”

Citing different blended family set ups, Govender used the ‘portrait’ example.

*Portrait 1: Husband with children marries never-married, no-kids wife. Dads who remarry often expect their new brides to assume a similar role to their former wife. The new wife, on the contrary, steps into the marriage ready for romance and quality time together as a couple. Instantly filling the role of wife is challenge enough; being interim Mom is often overwhelming. Wives in this situation often feel frustration and disillusionment when they are handed someone else’s kids to care for, and the kids don’t like it, either.

“In this scenario, Dad must step up to the plate and handle the disciplining of his children to avoid conflict with his new wife. He should also teach the kids to treat their stepmom with respect and talk through, or even write down, household duties with his new wife until a fair arrangement is reached,” she said.

*Portrait 2: Wife with children marries no-kids husband. Entering this marriage, Mom’s relief at having a new partner in life might result in her handing off too many responsibilities to her new husband. The kids, then, usually will rebel. They have a dad (or had one); they don’t think they need a new one.

“Tread lightly with any step parent administering discipline. Biological parents are the ones who should handle rules and punishments, at least initially. This couple needs to bond and show solidarity to the children. The wife must be careful not to shut out her new husband in favour of her children.

“Avoid inside jokes with the kids and subtle put-downs that would cause the kids to disregard their new stepfather altogether. There is a fine line between handling the discipline and devaluing the husband’s position in the home. Require children to show the same respect for their stepdad that they would any teacher, law enforcement officer, or other adult in authority. Don’t try to force love,” said Govender.

*Portrait no. 3: Divorced mom with kids marries divorced dad with kids. This type of stepfamily may seem to come with the most hurdles to overcome initially, but has potential to be the most successful makeup because mom and dad are motivated to pull together for the kids. Kids, however, experience the most loss when their parent marries someone with children. Access to their biological parent must now be shared by not just the new spouse but also by other children. Their physical space is shared with a stepparent and stepsiblings. New cities, new home, new school and new roommates are also common changes when families join. And, some children must face the end of their dream of their parents reuniting.

“The first two years in any stepfamily, but especially this type, are crucial. Expect conflict and extend grace — lots of it. There will be different relationships between members of this type of stepfamily, different levels of intimacy, connection, and love between stepsiblings and between children and stepparents. Don’t worry; that’s normal,” she said.

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