Navigating the complex journey of grief

GRIEF is an overwhelming emotion, often aptly described as the struggle of "not knowing what to do with the love". We yearn to speak to, hold, or share moments with them, but the absence feels frustrating. We miss them but are, at some level, upset that they have left us. We understand that they loved us, but we still feel abandoned.

This profound sense of loss and the battle of the heart and the head can leave us unsure of how to move forward and how to redirect that love when the person we cherish is no longer within reach. Just because this is inevitable and universal, doesn’t make it any easier. Therapy often entails expressing these confusing feelings and creating some sense of certainty or predictability by psycho-educating the client on the stages of grief.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously outlined the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, these stages are not a rigid sequence but rather a fluid process that individuals move through in their own time and way.

Denial acts as a temporary shield, allowing us to process the reality of loss at our own pace and is often described as shock. The person may even look like they are handling it well, but, in reality, are avoiding handling it at all. Anger follows, often directed outward toward others, ourselves, or even the departed as we search for someone or something to blame.

Bargaining brings "what if" scenarios as we mentally rewrite history to soften the pain. Depression sets in as the weight of sorrow becomes unavoidable and people usually seek help during this stage. Finally, acceptance allows us to find a new equilibrium, though it does not mean we have "moved on" but are ‘moving through’ the pain and are able to handle present-day life a little better than before. Some describe the pain of grief as a blot on a white paper; initially, it's all you see, but slowly, life gives you other things and the paper fills up with more than just the blot.

The experience of grief is not limited to death. It can arise from any significant loss, such as moving homes, retiring, or the end of a relationship. Common emotional and physical responses include frequent crying, irritability, anxiety, disrupted sleep, loss of appetite, and guilt over unresolved feelings. While these reactions typically subside within six months to a year, some experience complicated grief, a more intense and prolonged form.

This often occurs when the loss is sudden, violent, or marked by conflicting emotions, such as in cases of suicide. Complicated grief is marked by intense guilt, self-blame and a struggle to find meaning in life without the deceased. Grief shares symptoms with depression, including low mood and changes in sleep or appetite. If these symptoms persist and impair daily life, professional help such as therapy or medication may be necessary.

Support is crucial in healing grief. Loved ones can help by offering a nonjudgemental space for the grieving person to express their emotions sadness, anger, or silence. Practical assistance, such as preparing meals, helping with errands, or simply being present, can make a significant difference. Faith, community, and focusing on others can also provide solace.

There are no shortcuts through grief. It is a deeply personal journey that cannot be rushed. What we can do, however, is remind those grieving that they are not alone. Encouraging them to live authentically, honouring their loss while still embracing life, is the greatest support we can offer. Grief is not about forgetting - it’s about learning to carry love forward, even in absence.

Dr Nazia Iram Osman is a clinical psychologist registered with the Health Professions Council of South Africa. She has a PhD, and treats psychiatric and psychological disorders. Osman also helps clients with personal, professional or societal challenges.

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