Reclaiming your identity: the balance of motherhood, wifehood, and self

BEFORE you were a wife or a mother, you were you. You had wild dreams to chase and adventures to go on. You were vivacious, spontaneous and full of energy. Time seemed to pass by slowly. The world was your oyster and there were endless places to explore and people to meet.

And you swore you would never become your mother. Then suddenly it happens. The allure of the doting wife and loving mother engulfs you. Was it truly a choice or years of cultural conditioning?

In many cultures, marriage and motherhood have been seen as a major milestone or the ultimate goal. Women were often raised with the expectation that their primary role in life was to marry and bear children. And to solely and selflessly serve everyone else. 

Of recent years, the frustrations of women being reduced to only wives and mothers seem to stem from tensions between identity and expectation, individual desire and societal role. Across cultures, especially in traditional contexts like parts of Indian society, many women feel both the weight of reverence and the burden of limitation in these roles.

Some of these  frustrations, emotionally and structurally are: 

1. Loss of individual identity: When a woman is only seen as a wife or mother she is expected to be selfless, always placing others first — often at the cost of her own mental and emotional well-being.

2. Social pressure masquerading as "love": Expectations come wrapped in cultural pride: “A woman’s greatest duty is to her family.” If she resists, she is labelled selfish, rebellious, or “not a good woman".

3. Unpaid and undervalued labour: Cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, emotional caregiving - it’s all real work, yet rarely acknowledged as such. There’s no salary, no recognition, often no break and still, women are told they’re “lucky” to stay home. 

4. Sacrificed ambitions: Many women give up education, careers, passions — not by lack of talent, but because they are expected to. Even highly educated women are pressured into believing that family is their final destination.

5. Mental and emotional burnout: Constantly being available - physically and emotionally - can be exhausting. There's often little space for women to express anger, desire, fatigue, or dissatisfaction without being judged.

6. Lack of autonomy: In many traditional households, women still don’t have full control over finances, mobility, or major decisions. They are often expected to serve rather than lead - even when capable.

7. Fear of being forgotten: As children grow and spouses get busy, many women fear becoming invisible: “Empty nest” syndrome hits especially hard when identity was tied only to family.

8. No Room for Complexity: Society often allows women to be either mothers or rebels - not both. Why can’t a mother also be a poet, or a wife also be tired of caregiving?

The frustration is not in being a wife or mother - it’s in being only that.

Being a wife or mother can be beautiful and fulfilling when it's a choice - not a box. The pain comes when that box becomes a cage, locking women out of their own complexity, creativity, and autonomy.

Reclaiming your identity as a woman, while being a wife and mother is one of the most powerful acts of selfhood. It means recognising that while wifehood and motherhood may be parts of your identity, they do not define you entirely. You are still you - with dreams, needs, and a voice that exists beyond the roles you fulfill for others. 

How does that happen? 

1. Remembering who you were before: Before marriage. Before motherhood. There was a girl - a woman - with: hobbies that lit you up, a voice that didn’t wait for approval, and Desires that wer not filtered through family needs. 

Ask yourself: what did I love before? What did I want before everyone else’s needs became louder than mine?

2. Making time for yourself (without guilt): Reclaiming identity requires space - emotional, mental, and even physical. Fifteen minutes of journaling, dancing, reading and silence. Saying, “I need time for me,” without apology. Reminding yourself that your well-being benefits everyone around you. They say you can’t pour from an empty cup but no one tells mothers where to refill it. 

3. Redefining the roles - on your terms: Being a wife does not mean being submissive. Being a mother does not mean losing your individuality. You can be: an ambitious, thinking woman and a mother; and a partner who speaks her truth and loves deeply. 

4. Pursuing personal dreams even slowly: That course you paused? That job you gave up? That book you never finished? Start again - piece by piece. Reclaiming identity often means reclaiming unfinished dreams.

5. Saying "no" - and meaning it: Reclaiming yourself means: setting boundaries, letting go of the need to be everything for everyone, and refusing to shrink so others feel comfortable. It’s radical, but necessary.

6. Surrounding yourself with voices that see you: Find or build a circle that sees you as a woman, not just a role. Friends who talk about books and dreams, not just diapers and dinners. Conversations that go beyond the home and the husband.

7. Letting yourself change: You are not who you were before and that’s okay. You are allowed to evolve. To be and, not either/or. To reclaim your identity while being a wife and mother is not betrayal — it’s healing. You are not selfish. You are not less loving. You are whole and you deserve to feel like it.

Shareez Bagaria is a Comensa-certified life coach and an EQ coach. She has a Bachelor’s degree in industrial psychology, and is dedicated to personal development and coaching.

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