What I wish I knew before I started dating

THE dating world today can feel like a labyrinth - a mix of romance, catfishing, love-bombing and if you are lucky, genuine love.

As human beings, we are wired for connection. Even after heartbreak, there comes a time when we start yearning for love again - for “the one” we believe we are meant to share life with. Unless you are fortunate enough to have friends or family introducing you to a compatible match, you may find yourself turning to the often unpredictable world of social media and dating apps.

Whichever way you meet someone new, it’s important to be aware of a few red flags and to do some honest self-reflection before diving in.

Red flags to watch for

- Love bombing: this happens when someone you have only been texting starts declaring that you are the love of their life. They describe a fairytale future together - even though you have never met in person. Remember: words and promises mean nothing without consistent action. Suggest meeting for coffee early on. If they always have excuses, it’s best to move on - chances are they are messaging several others at the same time.

- Catfishing: this is when someone uses another person’s photograph or identity to create a fake profile. They will avoid meeting in person because they don’t look like their pictures. If they refuse video calls or in-person meetings, take it as a clear sign to walk away.

- Con artists: sadly, many people on dating apps are there to scam others. They may claim to be overseas on a work project and can only text. They will often portray themselves as wealthy and generous - sending poems, songs, and pictures of lavish gifts “for you". Once they think you are emotionally hooked, an “emergency” arises: they have been robbed, stranded, or need money for travel to come see you. They promise to repay you but keep asking for more until they disappear completely. Some victims have lost their savings, pensions, or even sold cars to help these scammers. If anyone you have never met in person asks for money, no matter how convincing the story, run. 

- Falling for potential: be careful not to fall in love with someone’s potential rather than who they are now. It’s easy to be drawn to someone who talks big dreams but has no clear plan or action to make them happen.

Questions for self-reflection

- Have I healed from past relationship hurt? Unhealed wounds can cloud judgEment and attract similar patterns.

- Am I looking for someone to complete or rescue me, or am I already whole and ready to co-create a healthy, balanced relationship with another whole person?

- Do I know what I truly want and what I have to offer in a relationship? Clarity creates alignment.

- Can I improve my communication and conflict resolution skills? Strong relationships are built on emotional maturity and open, respectful dialogue.

We all long for a great love and it is possible when we approach dating with awareness, self-respect, and patience. Go on several dates with the same person before making assumptions. Ask thoughtful questions. Share your experiences with trusted friends or family. And most importantly - trust your gut. Your intuition is your greatest guide in the modern dating maze. Dating is meant to be fun; but it’s also an opportunity to choose the person that best suits the life you want to create together; so take your time before making your decision.

Kas Naidoo is a life and relationship coach with over 25 years’ experience. For a free discovery session, email [email protected]

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