GBV doesn’t always leave physical scars

GENDER-BASED violence (GBV) is not just physical. While we may imagine physical abuse, bruises, broken bones and outbursts of rage, GBV can be so subtle that we don’t always recognise it. While some forms of abuse leave physical scars, others leave emotional wounds. If we are to fight against GBV, we need to recognise the not-so-obvious presentations.

Emotional and psychological abuse: this can include constant criticism, humiliation, intimidation, gaslighting and emotional manipulation. Victims of emotional abuse may start to doubt their own reality and their self-esteem may begin to erode as a result of the constant abuse. When someone constantly receives damaging feedback and harsh criticism from their partner, they may over time internalise these messages, which affects how they see themselves. This eroded confidence can impact on all aspects of their lives.

Financial/economic abuse: control over finances is a powerful means of domination in a relationship. Partners may restrict access to money, scrutinise spending or prevent their partner from working. This creates dependence and makes it almost impossible to leave the relationship. Many victims remain trapped in such relationships and disempowers them, leaving them feeling powerless.

Social isolation: a common feature of abusers is that they cut off their partners from family, friends and other social networks. They do this either by bad-mouthing one’s sources of support, causing arguments whenever the partner spends time with these family or friends and guilt trips them into distancing from loved ones. The motive behind this is to prevent the victim from support and advice, making them more vulnerable.

Sexual coercion and reproductive control: not all sexual violence involves physical force. Coercion, pressure or manipulation to perform sexual acts against one’s will constitutes abuse. Some partners may sabotage contraception, insist on pregnancy or termination or deny the right to reproductive choices.

Digital abuse: in this digital age, control can extend to technological use. This may include monitoring messages, hacking into accounts or demanding passwords, tracking movements or using social media to shame the partner. This constant surveillance can instill fear in the victim.

So, what can we do?

Support others: if you suspect that a loved one may be in an abusive relationship, approach them from a place of compassion – not judgement. Listen to understand better. Help them by providing information on available resources such as mental health or legal aid services. Do not judge them for not leaving yet.

Seek help if you are a victim: reaching out is not a sign of weakness. Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, even if you are financially independent. Help is available in the private and public sector.

Empower yourself to leave: leaving an abusive relationship is difficult for a variety of reasons. It requires safety planning, emotional support and practical resources. The first step may be to identify your support system and slowly build this up. Start saving if at all possible. Therapy, legal advice and community support can help empower you to eventually leave.

GBV is not always obvious. Sometimes it hides behind a charming exterior. It may break your spirit and isolate you from loved ones. Being a victim of GBV is not a reason to feel ashamed. Shame often leads to silence and silence only protects the abuser. Recognising the different manifestations of GBV is the first step to finding freedom.

Rakhi Beekrum is a counselling psychologist in Durban North with more than 16 years’ experience in individual and couples’ therapy. Her expert advice has been featured in print and digital media, on radio and television. She uses her social media platforms to spread mental health.

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