When a woman says “enough”: the myths men create to save their ego

THERE'S an old pattern that repeats itself in the quiet aftermath of separation - a pattern so familiar that it almost seems scripted. The moment a woman gathers the strength to walk away from a toxic marriage or partnership, the whispering begins. It doesn’t matter how dignified her exit was, how many years she endured emotional neglect, or how many times she tried to make it work - once she leaves, she becomes the villain in the story that her former partner begins to tell.

The rumours start softly, like smoke curling in corners - “She was having affairs.” “She was always aggressive and problematic.” “She took everything and left me with nothing.”

These accusations are not just casual gossip; they are deliberate distortions. They are survival tools of the narcissistic, patriarchal man who cannot bear to face the truth - that the woman he once controlled has found her strength.

Let’s begin with the most predictable one - “She’s having an affair.”

This accusation has been used for centuries to tarnish women who dare to assert themselves. It’s the easiest way to discredit her - to paint her as immoral, unfaithful, or deceitful. It gives the man an instant alibi for his own failures. He doesn’t have to look at his emotional distance, his betrayals, his neglect, or his manipulation. No, the narrative shifts neatly. Suddenly, he is the poor, betrayed husband, and she, the heartless woman who chose another man over him. But the truth is often simpler. The only “affair” she ever had was with her freedom. The only “other man” in her life was her own self-respect returning home.

This rumour is not just about slander; it’s about power. It’s a last attempt to control how others see her because he no longer controls how she sees herself.

Then comes the second line of attack - “She’s aggressive, controlling, and impossible to live with.”

In truth, what they call “aggression” is often her refusal to tolerate disrespect any longer. What they call “problematic” is her voice finally rising after years of silence.

Patriarchal men equate compliance with goodness, so when a woman stops apologising for existing, she becomes the problem. It’s astonishing how quickly a woman can go from being “loving and devoted” to “difficult and bitter” - the moment she asserts her boundaries. This transformation doesn’t happen in her character; it happens in his narrative. For years, she may have endured gaslighting, humiliation, and isolation, all while maintaining a semblance of peace for the sake of her family or children. But when she stops playing along, when she dares to name the behaviour for what it is -  abuse, neglect, control - she becomes the aggressor in his version of events.

Narcissistic men rewrite history because they cannot accept accountability. They cannot fathom that she left not because she was volatile, but because she was suffocating. And when her peace becomes her priority, he calls it war.

Perhaps the most common rumour - and the one that finds easy sympathy in a patriarchal society - is “She took everything and left me penniless.”

It’s an accusation dripping with self-pity and strategic exaggeration. It serves two purposes: to evoke sympathy and to mask irresponsibility. What these men never admit is that long before the separation, they had already been dismantling their own lives - through reckless decisions, ego-driven choices, or neglect of their work and responsibilities. When the relationship collapses, they suddenly “lose everything,” but not because she took it because they failed to manage it. Yet, in the male-centric narrative, it’s far easier to say, “She wiped me out.”

What these men never mention is that most women walk out with little more than their dignity and their children. The house, the car, the furniture - none of it compares to the weight of starting over emotionally and financially. They forget that the woman they claim “took everything” is often the same woman who once held everything together - the home, the children, the finances, the emotional labour - while he was busy chasing ego-driven pursuits.

In truth, she didn’t take everything. She took only what truly mattered - her peace, her children, and her self-respect. 

What truly unsettles these men is what often follows — her quiet, steady rise.

It is remarkably common for the woman who walked away to rebuild her life with grace, determination, and focus. She may have left with almost nothing, but she begins to create everything anew - not out of revenge, but out of renewal. Her life, once diminished by control, begins to flourish. She becomes successful in her career, emotionally balanced, financially stable, and spiritually grounded. This newfound strength and success are intolerable to her former abuser. It dismantles the story he has worked so hard to tell. How could she, the “aggressive,” “unfaithful,” or “greedy” woman he described, have built such a thriving life on her own?

How could she succeed without him? This truth bruises his ego far more than the separation ever did. It exposes his mediocrity and his unwillingness to evolve. And so, the rumours intensify -  even decades later. The same tired stories are recycled to explain away her growth: “She must have had help,” “She used someone,” “She was lucky.”

But her success was never luck. It was the natural consequence of liberation - of a woman finally investing her energy into her own becoming, rather than into keeping someone else whole. At the heart of all these narratives lies one uncomfortable truth -  these men cannot handle rejection. Patriarchal conditioning has taught them that they are entitled to a woman’s loyalty no matter how poorly they treat her. When she finally says “enough,” it disrupts their entire sense of power. They confuse control with love, dominance with masculinity, and possession with partnership. So, when that illusion shatters, they do not self-reflect. They retaliate.

They rewrite the story, smear her name, and recruit others into their narrative. It becomes a performance of victimhood - a way to salvage their reputation at the cost of her integrity. And because society still tends to view divorced or separated women through a lens of suspicion, these rumours easily find an audience. People rarely ask the man for proof. They whisper and judge her instead. The same community that once expected her to endure now blames her for walking away.

But here’s the truth that no rumour can bury: when a woman leaves a relationship that was draining her spirit, she is not running away,  she is returning home to herself. She is reclaiming her emotional, mental, and spiritual space. She is stepping out of a narrative where her worth was defined by how much she could endure and writing a new one where her worth is defined by how deeply she can live in truth. No rumour, no gossip, and no false story can erase that quiet, courageous act. In time, the noise fades. People move on to the next scandal. But she -  she rebuilds. She learns to smile without fear. She learns to sleep without tension. She learns that peace is not a luxury; it’s her birthright.

And the man who spread those lies? He eventually faces his own reflection. Because when the lies stop feeding his ego, he is left with the ruins of his own making - the business he neglected, the opportunities he squandered, the respect he lost. His downfall is not her doing. It is the consequence of his refusal to take responsibility for his own life.

Your silence is not weakness; it is wisdom. And your decision to walk away was not an act of destruction - it was an act of creation. 

Gaishrie Sharon Singh is a transformational catalyst, meta-physicist/writer, and published author. Visit www.gaishriesharon.com

** The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of IOL or Independent Media. 

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