Understanding the transformative power of self-love

LOVE is one of those words we think we understand until life teaches us otherwise.

Many of us grow up believing love is something we give away in portions: to our children, our partners, our parents, and our community. We are taught, especially within Indian households, that love is synonymous with sacrifice. Be the good daughter. Be the dependable son. Put your needs last. Carry the family name with pride, even if it costs you your peace. And for generations, we have done this beautifully. Tirelessly. Sometimes to our own detriment.

I have lived long enough to know that love, when misunderstood, can become exhausting. When misdirected, it can leave us depleted, resentful, or quietly grieving the life we never fully lived. Yet when love is understood, truly understood, it becomes restorative. Progressive. Powerful enough to change not only individual lives, but families and communities too.

Here is the truth I have come to believe: the most important love you will ever experience is love of self. Not arrogance. Not selfishness. But a deep, grounded respect for your own worth. Because how do you give something you do not have? We are rarely taught to ask that question. Loving yourself does not mean abandoning responsibility or tradition. It means showing up whole instead of hollow. It means recognising that your wellbeing is not a luxury; it is the foundation upon which everything else stands.

When your life is valued, well-run and embraced, something remarkable happens - you become a magnet for healthier love. Not louder love. Not desperate love. But steady, affirming love.

I have seen foes soften into friends when love is genuinely present. I have watched families heal when one person chose to stop performing and start living. Love has a way of disarming fear. And fear, more than hatred, is what fractures the world. Every religious and spiritual text speaks about love. Compassion. Grace. Mercy. Yet love feels scarce in modern life. Perhaps because we are searching for it externally in validation, relationships, approval, etc, while neglecting the one place it must first be cultivated.

So how do we begin? The first tool is intentional self-reflection without judgement. Set aside time, weekly, even briefly, to ask yourself honest questions: what am I feeling? What do I need? What am I tolerating that is costing me my peace? This is not about blame. It is about awareness. Love cannot grow in denial. When families see individuals take responsibility for their emotional health, it gives permission for others to do the same.

The second tool is boundaries rooted in kindness. Boundaries are not walls; they are doors with clear rules of entry. Saying no does not mean you love less, it often means you love more wisely. Children who grow up watching emotionally healthy boundaries learn that love does not require self-erasure. Communities thrive when individuals are not quietly burning out in the name of being “good.”

Life will still bring grief. Loss will still knock the wind out of you. Circumstances will change without warning. But when love lives within you, anchored, cultivated, respected, you stop begging the world to fill you. You begin attracting what aligns with you.And in that quiet shift, families soften, relationships deepen, and the world - slowly, imperfectly, becomes kinder.Love starts with you. And from there, it has the potential to impact people one by one and to go everywhere.

Lisa Sukdev is a motivational speaker, author, and emotional intelligence advocate. She is the author of Unlocked: Building emotional intelligence for a fulfilling life. Here she explores resilience, self-awareness, and the courage required to live a fulfilled life. Her work encourages people to move beyond survival mode and build emotionally intelligent, purpose-driven lives.

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