Yearning for connection: how vulnerability is redefining modern dating apps

The dating app landscape is undergoing a radical shift. 

Gone are the days when users play hard to get. Enter the “yearners” - those who embrace vulnerability and wear their romantic intentions on their sleeves.

What is "yearning"?

On dating apps, “yearning” represents a refreshing departure from the norm, as individuals shed the pretence and allow their genuine enthusiasm for a match to shine through.

“It's the opposite of the ‘three-day rule’ mentality,” reveals Anita Fletcher, a respected sex and relationship expert.

Yearners are characterised by their quick responses, thoughtful questions and a willingness to express excitement about the prospect of connecting with someone special.

This emotional openness is the complete opposite of the aloof behaviour that has defined dating culture for years.

While many have welcomed this authentic approach, some people remain locked in the constraints of outdated dating etiquette. 

Why has being emotionally aloof become the norm?

The rise of ghosting culture has led to a dating environment where showing interest feels like a risk-laden process with potential rejection.

Fletcher shares: “People learned that enthusiasm could be weaponised against them. If you seemed too eager, you'd be labelled ‘clingy’ or ‘desperate’, so everyone started playing defence."

Social media has intensified this trend.

Dating advice frequently revolves around appearing elusive and emotionally unavailable, resulting in a culture where individuals suppress their genuine feelings.

As a result, many find themselves playing it cool when faced with genuine interest.

Playing it cool vs genuine disinterest

Fletcher clarifies that there is a distinction between emotional self-protection and genuine disinterest.

“When someone is playing it cool but interested, their actions don't match their seemingly casual tone. They might take hours to respond, but when they do, the message is substantial and engaging.”

She says that the key is looking beyond surface-level interactions to understand the underlying patterns of behaviour.

To help navigate the complexities of modern dating, Fletcher has identified five signs that suggest a match may be more interested than they let on:

• Inconsistent response times: Someone who's genuinely disinterested will be consistently slow to respond. But if they sometimes reply quickly and other times take forever, they're likely managing their response time to avoid seeming too eager, or they’re simply busy.
• Remembering small details: Pay attention to whether they reference things you mentioned days ago. When someone brings up your Tuesday presentation or asks about your sick cat, they're clearly paying attention even if they're acting casual.
• Asking questions without revealing much: A match who is curious about your life but offers little about their own likely seeks to maintain emotional distance while remaining interested. This is a classic sign of someone interested but guarded.
• Energy shifts during deeper conversations: Someone playing it cool might give short answers about surface-level stuff, but light up when you talk about your passions or vulnerabilities.
• Vague plans: They propose meeting up but shy away from concrete details. This gives them an out while still showing interest. It's emotional hedging at its finest.

Fletcher encourages individuals to remember that "the biggest mistake people make is trying to out-cool someone who's already playing games."

"If you suspect someone is genuinely interested but holding back, the best approach is to model the behaviour you want to see. Send that enthusiastic text. Ask the direct question. Show them it's safe to be real with you."

She continued: "Remember, the right person for you won't make you guess how they feel indefinitely. Someone who's truly compatible will eventually match your energy if you create a safe space for them to do so.

"Don't invest months trying to crack someone's emotional code – invest in people who are excited to know you."