This year has seen its fair share of newsmakers, be they heroes or villains. We’ve picked our favourite 10 and decided what their New Year resolutions should be for 2014. By Masood Boomgaard.
1. President Jacob Zuma: From the Guptas using Waterkloof Air Force Base as their personal landing strip to the controversies surrounding the upgrades at Nkandla, it’s been a rough year.
A dreadful year was, of course, topped by President Zuma’s public booing at Madiba’s memorial service.
Topping the 2014 resolution list should be: stay out of trouble.
2. Riah Phiyega: The embattled national police commissioner has had her fair share of troubles, from the Marikana fallout which hangs over her like a dark cloud to the allegations that she tipped off a police official about his arrest. However, her biggest problem still remains her hairdo, which should, in all honesty, be used as a weapon to fight crime. It’s that terrifying.
2014 resolution: get a new hair stylist.
3. Julius Malema: He refuses to go away and he is likely to remain a thorn in the side of the ANC and the Zuma presidency for at least the immediate future. It is unclear whether the EFF will make any waves in next year’s election, but the red berets are beginning to pop up everywhere.
Malema is currently still embroiled in a battle with Sars and his credibility as a leader for the poor and downtrodden is a bit shaky, given allegations about his high standard of living.
He has also grown into a chubbier fat cat this year and landed his butt in jail for speeding.
2014 resolution: ease off the junk food.
4. Thuli Madonsela: The fearless public protector has found herself as a key player in the whole Nkandla saga and someone who has inspired the nation in believing that maybe, just maybe, there are still some people willing to stand up for the truth and tell bullies where to get off. However, Madonsela has come under fire for the alleged leakage of reports from her office to the media, allegations which she has had to spend a fair amount of time fending off.
2014 resolution: stop the leaks.
5. Kenny Kunene: Kenny once made the news for his penchant for eating sushi off the bodies of semi-naked women. However, these days he is known for his political aspirations. The problem is that we never really know where Kenny stands. He was quick to throw his lot in with the EFF and just as quick to jump ship and form his own movement, the Patriotic Alliance. But how long he lasts there is debatable.
2014 resolution: make it to Parliament.
6. Desmond Tutu: We all love the archbishop. He’s warm, caring and stood up when we needed him the most. But every now and again he tends to get a little worked up over things, which is not a great idea at his age.
2014 resolution: take a chill pill
7. Quinton de Kock: This year young De Kock became the new darling of SA cricket with many describing him as the find of the decade after he scored three centuries against India. He can only get better after his recent performances. What we would like him to work on, however, are his facial expressions. The public have grown increasingly worried about the perpetual worried look on his face. Cheer up, son, it’s only a bloody game.
2014 resolution: try to smile more.
8. Barack Obama: HIS health-care plan came under attack and his critics have become more plentiful, but we still love his swagger, cool demeanour and oratory. The US president gave arguably the finest Mandela tribute speech at the memorial service.
But it was his infamous “selfie” with the hot Danish prime minister that people spoke about. What Michelle said about it on the long flight home is anybody’s guess, but it’s likely the president would’ve been forced to make use of the couch at the White House once they got back.
2014 resolution: no more selfies with girls.
9. Miley Cyrus: Billy Ray’s little girl killed off Hannah Montana once and for all when she twerked her way into world headlines with her infamous performance at the MTV Video Awards this year. Cyrus intensified her campaign to leave audiences in shock and awe with her naked “wrecking ball” video as well as a series of other performances in which she wore as little as possible. She is immensely talented, but perhaps someone needs to tell her to tone it down.
2014 resolution: wear clothes.
10. Justin Bieber: If the tabloids are to be believed, the teen pop star is on the verge of one epic meltdown. His world tour is remembered for all the wrong reasons, from his alleged brothel visits to drunken weed-fuelled parties and, of course, the flag-stomping incident. It seems that life is becoming all too much for the young star.
2014 resolution: take a break. A long break.
Sunday Tribune