5 gifts to give yourself this Christmas
Rakhi Beekrum. Rakhi Beekrum.
Lifestyle - It’s the most wonderful time of the year or is it? I find holidays stressful for many reasons, one being that I usually get stressed about finding the ideal gifts.
I have a slightly obsessive compulsive personality so I work myself up about gifts being exquisite (which i’m sure most don’t even notice).
However, with the year having been a stressful one with many demands placed on me from all sides, I decided it’s about time I prioritised myself in my gift-giving. If gift-giving is my language of love, surely I should love myself first? I encourage you to also think about the gifts you owe yourself.
The five gifts I decided to give myself are:
* Self-love and self-compassion.
* Permission to say “no”.
* Distancing myself from toxic people.
* Living in the moment.
* Being myself.
1. The gift of self-love and self-compassion
Have you ever noticed how we love our families and are compassionate towards our good friends? We go out of our way to ensure they are happy and cared for. We show compassion towards others who are going through a rough time. How many of us have love and compassion for ourselves first?
The thought of it sounds selfish to most people - we have others who need us; how could we possibly think of putting ourselves first?
Think for a moment of all those who depend on you. Perhaps you have ageing parents whose health is failing? Spouses who require your time, attention and energy? Then there are kids - our primary responsibility - because if they fall ill at school, for example, we have to drop everything. They are our priority. Most parents would rather spend money on their kids than themselves.
We have our careers and because of other responsibilities, women might be disadvantaged in terms of progression. We have family and good friends who need us at times. We love them enough to drop everything else for when they are in need.
Think about what would happen if you fell apart. How many others who depend on you would fall apart too?
By not putting yourself first, not loving yourself enough and not being compassionate towards yourself, you risk your health - both physically and mentallly. If it sounds too selfish of you to put yourself first, do it for those who depend on you. Think of the little ways you can love yourself. We can’t always plan extravagant holidays, but if we do something small for ourselves every day, we feel fulfilled. This might mean enjoying a cup of tea uninterrupted or taking a long bath without having to rush out to attend to something for someone else
2. The gift of saying ‘no’ and realising you are a good person.
This is difficult for many people to do. In order to avoid tension, they try to please everyone while harming themselves in the process. We agree to do things that don’t make us happy or that inconvenience us.
The thing I admire about most men is that they don’t find it difficult to say “no”. They don’t apologise for it. Yet women either oblige or make excuses to justify something that needs no justification. Never offer a reason why you can’t do something for someone because they will always solve the reason in order to make you able to do what they want.
I struggled with this for a long time and learnt a valuable skill from my husband. He is a chartered accountant. Being a typical accountant, he offered practical advice.
Just as we have a bank account, with a certain bank balance, we should not be spending any more than we have, or we go into overdraft. When we allocate our money, there are some non-negotiable things we budget for first such as a bond or rent, food, medical expenses and school fees. Then we might have things that we will spend money on, only if we have enough, such as clothes, electronics and a holiday. There might be things we refuse to spend on.
In the same way, we need to imagine we have an emotional bank account. In it, we have a certain amount of energy and we can choose how to expend that energy, as you would with your bank account, you will have non-negotiable items to spend your energy on such as close family, health and good friends.
It’s different for everyone. If we have extra energy, there might be other things we could consider. It’s not necessary to accept every invitation you receive. We need to move from fomo (fear of missing out) to jomo (joy of missing out). We should be able to look at another’s pictures on Facebook and be thrilled that they had a good time at the party last night while we were curled up in bed with a book.
We add more stress if we feel that in order to be happy, we have to accept every invitation. Decide what you will do only if you have extra savings. If you do have extra energy, just like with money, its important to save it for a time when you might need more.
The saving part would be your me-time to do whatever you love doing.
3. The gift of distancing yourself from toxic people.
We all have them around us, sometimes in the form of family and friends. The easiest way to identify them is to notice how you feel after a conversation with someone. If you feel drained and negative, it might be time to keep your distance. We can’t always avoid them but we can set boundaries so they are not able to affect us.
We often give a lot more time and attention to such people than they deserve. Think about it - when someone upsets us, we often spend a lot of our time and energy thinking about it and talking about it. Sometimes, instead of having a relaxing dinner, we invite the people into our homes by bringing them up in our conversations.
Giving toxic people so much of our time and energy is akin to putting them on a throne and worshipping them.
We often also have “gaslighters” in our lives - people who strategically make us unhappy by getting us to doubt ourselves. Notice those who are not happy about your success and achievements.
I lost weight a year ago. I’ve never been overweight, but I had extra centimetres that bugged me. My real friends said: “wow, Rakhi, you look amazing!” The gaslighters said: “You’ve lost weight. Are you okay? Have you been stressed?” They are the ones who, when you achieve something amazing, might make comments such as “well I chose to put my kids first”.
Instead of sharing your joy, they make it about themselves - because of their own insecurities. Nevertheless, they make us question ourselves and feel guilty.
Those who are unhappy in their own lives find it difficult to share in others’ success and intentionally (or not) make every conversation about themselves. For example, if you excitedly share news of your child performing well at school, they will have a story of how much better their child performed. Do not get caught up in this. Avoid such people. If you can’t, turn up the volume on your invisible headphones and play your favourite song in your head - so you can drown out the sound of their voice.
4. The gift of the present.
Being anxious I used to rob myself of a lot of joy by worrying about the future. I could not enjoy time out at a spa because I’d be worrying about what I needed to get done. Then there are many who live in the past - often with regret.
By living in the past or the future we rob ourselves of the only time we are certain of - the present moment. My work environment exposes me to illness and death daily. I’ve seen lives change dramatically in a moment. We need to enjoy what we have right now. If you’re having coffee with a friend, then have coffee with a friend - and enjoy it. Stop looking at your phone or thinking about what to cook for dinner. When you’re reading a bedtime story to your kids, enjoy the precious moment with them. It won’t last forever. When you are eating, enjoy the taste of your food. Enjoy the sights and sounds nature provides - only then will you find peace. We need to slow down, do one thing at a time. Life is uncertain, enjoy each moment.
5. The gift to be yourself.
Living authentically has become such a struggle. Our lives are so filtered. When we look at social media, we sometimes compare our lives to others. This is an unfair and inaccurate comparison because people share only the best of selfies or only the exciting moments. This is not real life.
True happiness is achieved when you feel free and comfortable to be yourself - without the fear of being rejected. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you were yourself and refused to conform? How do you feel if you can’t express an opinion on something important to you just because it goes against popular culture?
We need to start living with #nofilter. We need to stop living our lives for social media and start living lives we enjoy in the moment. The more we allow ourselves to be, the more peace we will find.
That’s what the festive season is about - peace. Besides giving the gifts to yourself, remind your friends and loved ones that they are also important and should show some love towards themselves.
Don’t wait for a new year to make resolutions - those never work anyway. Resolve now to love yourself enough and reward yourself with gifts you deserve. Take charge of your happiness, because even if you cannot control things around you, you can choose your attitude. Your joy and happiness is a precious gift - guard it deep within.