One man's journey through trauma and healing

ALMOST four decades after a Phoenix man was sexually abused by a family friend, he recounted the harrowing experience and the long-lasting effects it had on his life.

The 47-year-old man, who requested anonymity, said to date he still had flashbacks of the abuse and required counselling. 

“You never truly heal, but just learn to cope, taking each day as it comes.”

The man said the first sexual assault occurred while visiting a family member’s home when he was eight. 

“I went on holiday with my mother to her relative’s home. There was a function and the men were drinking. It was around midnight, and they were playing cards when my uncle’s friend, who was about 20-years-old, asked me to fetch them cooldrink from a storage building at the back of the property. When I returned, he said it wasn’t the right one, and sent me back. 

“Moments after I entered the building, I felt someone push me against a wall. It was him. He bit me on my neck and ears and put his hand inside my shorts. After what felt like a long time, he removed his hand and left. I ran to the main house and told a relative what had just happened, but they told me to stop talking ‘nonsense’.

"My mother wasn’t there at the time. The next day I told her what happened, and she confronted him. But he told her I was being disrespectful, so he hit me. There was no proof that he had violated me at the time. We left to go home and I thought I would never see him again,” he said.

The man said about two years later, he encountered his perpetrator during a family holiday at a resort. 

“I instantly felt fear as he jumped out of the vehicle. We were meant to stay at the resort for a week. I clung on to my mother the entire time. It was on the third night when I was walking in the passageway that he caught me again. He had me in a chokehold - pinned against the wall. This time he touched himself. I screamed, but his grip got tighter. He told me that if I told anyone he would hurt me, and my entire family. I was still young and feared for their safety.”

The man said his life changed a month later when they had to move to their relative’s home due to his parents getting a divorce.

“He lived a few roads away. I tried to stay away from him, but I won’t forget that one day. I went to the beach with my cousins. While there, he popped up and said that my mother said I needed to go home with him. My father had been fighting with my mother and she left. He took me to his house. 

“When I got to his home, he told me to take a bath. He said I would be staying there that night.  His mother and sister were there, so I wasn’t as afraid. I thought he wouldn’t do anything to me with them around, but I was wrong. When I went to sleep, he was not at home.

"Later that night, I felt someone touch me and then he raped me, repeatedly. The next morning, he made me have a bath and sent me back to my relative's home. But first, he threatened me again that he would harm me and my family if I told anyone. I never spoke about it to anyone, until later on when I had to seek counselling,” he said. 

The man said over the years, he battled to cope, including in his school years. 

“I went from achieving great marks to barely passing. I had no will to go on as I sunk into a deep depression. I eventually sought help through private counselling and other groups for survivors of sexual assault. I think strong support structures either family or groups, can play a great role in helping one cope, but the pain and trauma never really goes away. 

“One of the most painful things was knowing that he got away with what he did to me, and probably many others. I feel that back then, people did not want to speak out about sexual assault, whether molestation or rape due to the stigma. But it has now become such a great issue, that society needs to break the silence. We need to save our children, who are seemingly the most vulnerable. If we don’t, then there will be many adults, such as myself, who will be struggling to survive each day,” he said.

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