The emotional journey of a Durban couple's adoption experience

For a Durban couple, the journey to becoming adoptive parents was not an easy one.

They had endured poor service from welfare services and heartbreak before they decided to go with a private adoption.

The 38-year-old woman said she and her husband, 39, began the screening process for a private adoption in 2017.

“As someone who was adopted, I always knew that when I started my own family, I would adopt. That was the only way for me. So, when I got married it was quite a difficult topic to bring up with my husband. Fortunately, I have a wonderful partner, who was happy to go the adoption route."

The mother said over the next few years they were dealt several blows until they were able to take their daughter, who was just three months old, home in December 2019.

“On three separate occasions we received calls that there was a baby ready for adoption, and we started preparing to take him or her home but only to arrive at a facility and be told that their parents had changed their minds, leaving us heartbroken and in tears.

“After the third loss, I told my husband I could not do it anymore and that maybe parenting was not on the cards for us. However, about two days later, my husband received a call from our social worker that there was a crisis (abandoned) baby in rural Umtata, and there was no one who could take her in. Now, five-and-a-half years later, we couldn’t be happier. From the moment we looked at her, and she looked at us, we knew she was our child."

The mother said the adoption order was, however, finally granted in August last year.

“The adoption process was not straightforward because there was a lot of screening involved. Potential adopters must demonstrate that they are capable of raising a child, which involves extensive background checks and discussions with social workers about their relationship and how they will parent together. There is a lot of going back and forth and emotions can run high.”

The father added that the process could also take a toll on one’s mental health.

“When we initially started, we chose to go via the state, but we were left absolutely frustrated,  especially by the service and treatment we received. People are often told to adopt, but when they try to, they are treated as if they are just another number. There is no compassion. It is not understood that while it can be difficult for a child, it is also hard for the potential adoptive parents,  who are experiencing an abundance of emotions.

“In addition, many people choose to go the state route as they don’t have the thousands of rand to do it through a private adoption specialist. Many often give up because of the poor treatment, leaving children still stuck in the system and being deprived of having a secure home with loving parents. However, we are absolutely grateful to our private adoption social worker for her  professionalism throughout the process."

The mother added that while it had been an incredible journey, becoming parents had challenges.

“It is an incredible experience, especially when she gives us hugs and kisses and says, ‘I love you mummy’ or  tells my husband, ‘You are the best daddy in the world’. However, with a transracial adoption, your child is different from you. For example, they have different hair or skin types. You need to learn how to take care of their hair or skin. This requires a village and we are grateful for our family members and friends from diverse cultures who we have been able to lean on.”

The father added that there was a need for more support for potential adoptive parents.

“Throughout the process, you often have questions and the information is not always forthcoming from the state or you will have to possibly pay a fee if you have gone the private route, so there is definitely a need for a helpline that people can call for advice.”

He added that becoming adoptive parents meant ensuring the child was provided with a safe space.

“Many of the children that go through the system have experienced some trauma in their lives - from being abandoned to abused or neglected. It is your duty to create a safe environment for them. You need to ensure their physical and emotional well-being.”

The mother added that caring for a child required a village.

“Whether it is a biological or adopted child, all parents need some support. There is the adage, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ which is true. Raising a child effectively requires the support and involvement of many people within a community. It is also important that we come together to create safer spaces for our children.”

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