Understanding the trauma: the emotional toll on parents of missing children

Dr Akashni Maharaj explores the psychological trauma experienced by parents of missing children and the psychological impact when they are found to have left with an adult partner. She also details the emotional complexities and long-term effects on both parents and children. 

DURING the period when a child is missing, the parents experience this time as intense psychological trauma, which is marked by acute fear, panic, helplessness, intrusive thoughts, and overwhelming guilt, often accompanied by physical symptoms such as insomnia, headaches, and weakened immunity. This crucial stage is commonly described as “ambiguous loss”, where parents grieve without certainty. 

Even when the child is found alive, the trauma does not end. In the case of the missing 13-year-old girl, her absence combined with the relief of her being found safe, coexists with shock, anger, confusion, fear of judgement, and deep anxiety about legal and social consequences. The emotional clash can be overwhelming.  

Learning that one’s child was with an older person intensifies this distress, which can trigger protective rage, fears of grooming or exploitation, moral shock, and a sense of parental role violation. There can also exist an element of distrust of the world and systems meant to protect the child. 

The impact on the parent-child relationship is vitally important in that the parents may experience emotional distance, difficulty trusting the child, fear of saying the “wrong” things and parents can also be caught in an internal conflict between protection and discipline. This can lead to long term relational fractures.

The child’s psychological experience

The child’s psychological experience is equally complex. Young girls who run away from home, may run because of cumulative pressures such as feeling unheard, high family conflict, rigid control, fear of punishment, grooming, abuse, neglect, shame-based environments, mental health struggles, or bullying. Typically, there is a “push–pull” dynamic: pain or powerlessness at home combined with validation or perceived safety elsewhere.

Although the child may appear to have “made a decision”, the adolescent brain development limits the capacity of a 13-year-old to fully understand long-term consequences. The “why” choice is complicated, as the prefrontal cortex (judgement, impulse control, future planning) is still developing until the mid-20s. 

Afterward, many children experience cognitive dissonance (confusion, emotional shutdown, self-justification), loss of trust in adults (fear of punishment), and trauma bonding if an older person was involved (emotional attachment mixed with fear, loyalty or dependency and confusion can be present). Shame (rather than guilt) is particularly damaging in adolescence because it shapes and adolescents identity.

Digital footprints

Public exposure through missing-person posts and community awareness can cause humiliation, loss of privacy, and identity collapse. During adolescence, when identity is socially constructed, it’s during this time that language is one of the most powerful interventions, and labels such as “the runaway” can override all other traits, leading to bullying, withdrawal, school avoidance, and long-term impacts on self-worth, relationships, and confidence in adulthood. 

Digital footprints intensify this harm, as posts and images may resurface years later, and the child has no control over how the narrative was framed. This can create chronic anxiety, fear of exposure and hyper-vigilance in adult life.

The recovery in the aftermath

A minor’s decision made under emotional immaturity, power imbalance, or influence is not equivalent to adult consent or responsibility. If adults continue to frame it as “her fault”, healing becomes harder. Healing depends on trauma-informed responses such as reframing her decision. 

For the child, essential support includes specialised therapy, shame and identity repair, family therapy, school-based protection, privacy restoration, non-judgemental sexual health care, and opportunities to reconnect socially.

For families, the parent–child relationship often suffers from mistrust, role confusion, and emotional distance. Repair requires prioritising emotional safety over control, separating the child from the behaviour, avoiding interrogation or guilt, and engaging in calm, collaborative conversations and seeking neutral professional support are key.

Dr Akashni Maharaj is a registered counselling psychologist, coach, hypnotherapist and author. She is a double Masters graduate with a Master's in counselling psychology from the University of KwaZulu-Natal and a Master's in Industrial Psychology from the University of Durban-Westville. Maharaj is a PhD graduate from the University of Zululand. 

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