Understanding the dark side of competition: a lesson in emotional intelligence

WHAT began as a routine Friday night gathering among friends, centered around a game of cards called thunee, took a shocking and violent turn after a young man was stabbed in the head allegedly by another player. What heinous emotions could have triggered the attacker to the point that he grabbed a long knife and plunged it into the head of his friend? What caused his switch to suddenly "flip’" - over a game of cards?

No answers seem justifiable, and no explanation sufficient. The value of IQ (Intelligence Quotient) has been praised and prized widely in the past few decades in schools, universities and corporate organisations. IQ is the measure of a person’s cognitive abilities with emphasis on problem solving, reasoning and comprehension skills which is crucial for academic and professional success. However, modern psychology recognises that IQ is not the sole determinant for success. Emotional Intelligence (EQ), Social Intelligence (SQ) and resilience (AQ) are equally important in determining success and ensuring harmonious relationships with those around us.

But what exactly is EQ and how does it help us function in our daily lives?

EQ is the ability to recognise, understand and manage the emotions of yourself and others and to manage our responses in relation to others.

EQ encompasses:

Emotional awareness: the ability to name the emotion in yourself and others and be able to respond appropriately. For example: I am feeling angry that my child messed our new sofa.

Self regulation: the ability to manage emotions and impulses to act or behave in a certain way. For example: I am feeling angry but I will not scream and shout or hit my child until I have calmed down.

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. For example: I am angry that my child spilled juice on the new sofa but I understand that he is just 2 years and accidents happen.

Social skills: the ability to manage and build relationships. For example: I am angry at my child but I understand that I am his father and will need to guide, lead, inspire and teach him how to behave and that my relationship with him is more important that spilt juice.

Self motivation: the ability to use your emotions to pursue goals and remain focused even when there are challenges. For example: I am angry at my child but there is a lesson for my child and I in this situation. We are both learning and growing.

Unfortunately the problem arises when most people have a poor self-awareness and as such are unable to identify their triggers.

A trigger is defined as anything that sets off a particular behavioural response in someone. This can be a good or bad trigger. For example: your manager says that your work is not good enough or inadequate. You feel humiliated or angry and lash out, even if the feedback was objective. A positive trigger would be, for example, listening to a song that takes you back to a time in your life when you were happy and content.

Understanding what “sets me off” is crucial for enhancing self-awareness, and improving emotional regulation and strengthening relationships. Asking yourself: “Why do I get so angry or sad or irritable? What is the underlying emotion and how can I manage that emotion and ultimately the behavior related to that?”

Imagine a world where people are emotionally regulated and mature. You have the ability to master your emotions and behaviours in a way you are able to respond appropriately to situations. You have self-control. What peace there would be. Reduced road rage, less arguments, reduced domestic violence and physical abuse, and less conflict.

There would be: better problem solving, better decision making, healthier, happier relationships, greater stress management, and greater resilience.

Imagine a different scenario at the thunee game. The argument over the card game escalates into a heated debate. The attacker stands up and instead of pulling a knife, recognises that he is angry and triggered. He takes a moment to breathe and then decides that his friendship is worth more than a dispute over a card game. He walks away and goes home.

That’s emotional regulation. Protect your peace. Master what you can control. Walk away from the heated argument if need be. Pause before responding. Think before you act. After all calmness is a new superpower and self-control is true strength.

Shareez Bagaria is a Comensa-certified life coach and an EQ coach. She has a Bachelor’s degree in industrial psychology, and is dedicated to personal development and coaching.

THE POST