A 15-year-old girl shares the struggles she, and many others her age, are dealing with. Picture: Karolina Grabowska/Pexels
Durban – It is no secret that today’s young people face many struggles previous generations never had to deal with, and while they are often called “soft”, the reality is that teen girls are going through a lot – and a lot of really serious stuff.
Tessa Smith* may only be 15, but she is not naïve or ignorant of the workings of the world. And while many people may believe that the challenges of life only affect adults, the scary truth is that young girls are already experiencing them.
For her, personally, body image is “a big thing”, and because she is insecure with her physical appearance and therefore has low self-esteem, social situations induce anxiety. And she is not the only one to feel this way, explaining that she notices the same trends amongst her peers.
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“You are constantly worried about other people’s opinions of you, especially those of teenage girls around you.”
Not only this, but Smith worries about her future.
“In the next few years I have to go to university, pick a career, and live with that for the next 60 years. I have mental health struggles, including anxiety, and I think I also have depression. Obviously you cannot self-diagnose depression, but if you look at the definition of it, it talks to experiencing really low lows, which I am, and many other people my age are, going through, especially during and after lockdown.
“In my age group, mental health issues are incredibly bad lately, but I think a lot of people dismiss teen mental health.”
She says adults say things like: “you are too young to be depressed”; “you cannot be upset over that”; “you don’t even know what depression is, so you cannot be experiencing that”; or “I also often felt like that at your age”.
“I feel like, at times, even our own parents overlook these things, and I understand that depression and other mental health issues are not always noticeable. Sadly, most people’s friends notice it more than their parents do.”
Social media
Smith believes that social media has a lot to do with how girls her age see themselves.
“People are very aware of their bodies nowadays, and the way they look, and this is understandable when you look at social media. Eating disorders, anxiety, and depression are rife, and there are even stats that show these issues are the highest they have been in years, and growing. I think a lot of it has to do with social media.
“Personally, I am not as active on social media as a lot of other people my age. I do not use Snapchat, am rarely on Instagram, and only chat to a few people on WhatsApp, but I do know that even with my limited social interaction, there are often times when I see someone on Instagram or TikTok who is super skinny and has a perfectly symmetrical face. I take things away from that and then I doubt myself even more. And this is me who is not as active on social media. So it then makes you think how it must affect those who are active and what they take away from what they see.”
She has also witnessed how girls transition from posting photographs of themselves hanging out with family, for example, and dressed more conservatively, to posting pictures where they show a lot more skin and body.
“Unfortunately, one can see the change in the numbers of comments and likes on such photos. Whether this is about girls wanting to do that or feeling the need to in order to be liked, it basically all comes down to male validation.”
Societal issues
Social media, however, is not the only problem, Smith says, explaining that society, in general, puts pressure on teenage girls by having certain expectations of them.
“For starters, I think, from a woman’s perspective, people need to stop expecting you to be married and have children by the age of 30. I think society needs to stop expecting us to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives by the age of 18 and have things figured out by the age of 20.
“I think society needs to accept that every individual goes at their own pace, and has their own wants and desires that may not align with what society deems as normal – which is that the only future and end result we can have is to get married, have a house, a car or two, and kids.”
Gender equality
While acknowledging that gender equality is a “big issue that society have been trying to figure out for centuries,” she believes that people need to be rewarded and recognised based on their own accomplishments and abilities, regardless of their gender.
“People should be able to do whatever it is they want to do one day, or go into whatever field they want to go into, whether they are a man, women, or other.”
In terms of gender equality, Smith feels that this is being seen more in her age group than in the past, and rightly so as “things should evolve and improve as years go by”. For this reason, she thinks that, when her generation becomes adults, society will be better for it.
“I do think a lot of our problems that we currently have will be a lot better – maybe not solved, but better; and I can only hope that when our kids become the parents, gender equality is not even a problem.”
Gender inequality
This does not mean that there are no gender-related issues being experienced by older teenagers today. In fact, she feels many of these issues start rearing their heads when boys become teens and then, men.
“This is when they start realising that they are in fact men, and that society seems to reward them for being so. I think there is a big jump from when a boy is a boy to when they become high-school age; I think that is when they start feeling entitled, when women become more of an object, and when they start to notice the power dynamic between them that they may not have noticed before.
“They basically believe that, because they are men, they have excuses for getting away with certain things without any consequences, that they can behave how they want, and that they deserve more because they are men.
“There is a common saying among men that if a woman wears provocative clothing that she is ‘asking for it’, and I have even seen such comments from teen boys my age. I have personally noticed that, when boys reach a certain age, their mindsets change. They think they have a right to do whatever they want to, or with, a woman’s body because, biologically, we are not as physically strong as they are.
“I have noticed this mindset change after boys hit puberty and I think it is because this is when they, physically, start to look more like men. It gives them a sense of power that they feel they can use over women.”
Scarily enough, Smith adds, she has even heard boys her age use the phrase that “a woman’s place is in the home”, and says this shows that already their thinking is that they should be in the workplace earning the money and achieving whatever they want to achieve while women should be at home making them dinner.
Gender inequality at school
“When it comes to school sports, I believe that boys are trained better. From what I have seen from my days at primary school (co-educational school), more time and effort is put into their practices. From a coaching perspective, the boys’ coaches are more experienced and trained to a higher level, and so they are therefore trained better.
“There is more emphasis on boys’ sports which, unfortunately, makes boys believe they are better than girls. In most cases they are better because they are physically fitter and stronger, but these thoughts on sportsmen being superior to sportswomen stem from primary school.”
School failures
While Smith is no longer in a traditional school and schools online doing the Cambridge Curriculum as opposed to CAPS, she reflects on her days in a traditional schooling system and says it did not prepare her for life outside of studying or even working.
“We were never taught how to budget, pay bills or taxes, or even what to expect from life outside of school. We do not know how to live day-to-day life really. This puts a lot of pressure on me in particular, but I know that I am not alone in this stress of how to actually live once I have moved out of my parents’ house and am no longer a kid.
“School teaches you to write on paper and do Maths equations, but it in no way truly prepares you for life. I do not believe that schools should put so much pressure on grades, but there is this mindset that if you do not pass a test or subject then you are going to fail at any chance of having a comfortable future life.”
She does acknowledge that school should not be the only teachers in this regard as parents also have roles to play, but says that “schools basically tell you they are preparing you for the future when, in reality, you are hardly going to use any of the things you are taught in school”.
This is also the case when it comes to entrepreneurship.
“Although owning your own business is sort of covered in Economics, this is not a compulsory subject at school.”
For this reason, Smith is currently studying both Business Management and Economics in her schooling system. She also partakes in team sporting activities to stay social, and remains involved in, and aware of, the lives and struggles of other teenage girls.
Family wealth and property
In my age group, people do not really talk about where they want to live one day or what property investment can do for you, but I think everyone wants to live in a nice big house, although it is not something that I have noticed people worrying about.
Having said this, however, the types of homes that teenagers live in, and the wealth of their families, does play a huge role in how they are accepted by their peers.
“I will say though, that this does also depend on the individual, but, generally, you can feel inferior or superior to other people if your home is smaller or less fancy, or nicer than that of someone you have visited.
“And this is understandable as everyone wants to live in a nice house and have a nice income, whether they have ever considered property before or not.”
Smith believes that high school girls who have big, fancy homes, and come from families with money, are liked more.
“This is because people gravitate towards what they admire or what they want to one day become.
“I don’t feel like if you don’t have that kind of lifestyle that you are liked less, but one is definitely liked more if they do. They seem to have more friends, and are more social as they have friends around a lot and go out and do things because they can afford to.
“Of course this may also come down to individuals in particular, but if you live a lifestyle in which you never deal with financial troubles or see your parents dealing with them, then you are often a more secure individual and so find it easier to make friends and surround yourself with others.
“For teenagers with smaller homes and from less affluent backgrounds, it is hard to feel comfortable with others when you are not happy with yourself. You experience feelings of inferiority, and this makes it harder to have lots of friends and have people over. If you are a comfortable, confident person you will have lots of friends.
“In all honesty, I would probably feel like that too if I had that kind of affluent home and background, but I know that girls my age put a lot of pressure on themselves when they do not have what others have. It also affects their relationships and opinions of themselves.”
Closing thoughts
Smith says: “People must stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Obviously this is easier said than done, but we should all just stop worrying about others and caring about their opinions. People would be a lot happier. Just do you.”
* Name changed for privacy
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