.Sooo…should you get back with your ex? Lots of us are no strangers to the question, whether it pops up after hearing that sappy song, perusing old pics, or getting an “IMY” text. It’s the kind of relationship no-no that your friends (and, let’s be honest, society at large ) are quick to warn you against. But despite all the logical reasons not to, the pull of something familiar—that tiny glimmer of hope that it will work this time—can make you entertain the idea of a picture-perfect second chance.

Getting back together can be anything from a pointless effort to a straight-up unhealthy or dangerous setup, like if there was any form of abuse involved. That said, there are instances in which reuniting actually makes sense—and, in some cases, could even work out better the second time around, Idit Sharoni, LMFT, Miami-based couples therapist and host of the Relationships Uncomplicated podcast, tells SELF. Most commonly, “it can be a good idea if the breakup was caused by external circumstances, like bad timing, long-distance, or life transitions,” Sharoni explains—whereas fundamental incompatibilities, like clashing visions about where you want to live or if having kids is in the picture, may be harder to resolve.

Depending on your particular situation, making it work again might be possible, but it will take a lot more than just crossing your fingers and hoping for the best. You’ll need to do some deep reflection and serious inner work, Sharoni says—and asking yourself these five questions (whether on your own, with your ex, or with an unbiased friend or family member) can help you make an informed decision when answering the age-old question: Should you get back with your ex?

1. Do we both understand what went wrong the first time?

“Relationships don’t just fall apart randomly,” Sharoni says. “There are always underlying causes.” Maybe their emotional cheating was the ultimate dealbreaker, or your tendency to shut down during important disagreements created a seemingly irreparable rift. Or perhaps you two had wildly different communication styles that silently destroyed your bond.

Understanding what went wrong is the first step in deciding what you’re trying to fix—or if it’s even fixable. The second step? Exploring how you both played a part. Because if your partner dumped you out of nowhere and now they suddenly want you back? Unless they can acknowledge how emotionally distant they were, Sharoni warns that it’s pretty much impossible to move forward in a healthy way—and you risk “just running into the same patterns without even realizing,” she adds.

2. Do I miss the person or the past?

After a breakup, it’s totally normal to feel conflicted about what you’re really missing: the person themselves or the familiarity of having someone by your side. After all, this person may have been your go-to for laughs, reassurance, and emotional support—no wonder you’re tempted to regain that connection.

However, comfort alone isn’t enough to sustain a healthy, fulfilling relationship, Sharoni points out, and relying on an ex to fill a void or ease loneliness can leave you feeling even more disconnected in the long run. That’s why it’s crucial to figure out the difference.

One telltale clue you’re longing for the past, not the person? Enough time hasn’t passed. There’s no set amount you need to aim for. But chances are, if it’s only been a week or two, emotions are still running high and you haven’t given yourself the space to fully process what happened.

A few more red flags? “If you find yourself focusing only on the good times and downplaying the challenges, nostalgia may be clouding your judgment,” she adds. Or if your reasons for reuniting are more about the familiarity—Sunday morning coffee dates, not having to face Friday nights alone—than the actual connection you once shared.

3. Are we both equally committed to making this work?

Relationships are a two-way street—meaning no matter how badly you want it to work, that won’t happen if you’re begging or guilt-tripping the other person into giving things another shot (and vice versa). “If only one of you is willing to reflect, grow, and put in the effort, the dynamic will stay unbalanced, leading to frustration and resentment,” Sharoni says.

What does equal commitment look like? Well, it shouldn’t be just you initiating those “let’s talk” moments. Ideally, an ex who’s trying will also come ready to address the tough stuff without needing to be nudged. And when it comes to mapping out your reunion game plan, you both name what you can do differently (like you vowing to listen without interrupting while they promise to be upfront about their feelings). It’s about balancing the load, not one person carrying it all.

4. Is there evidence of change?

Empty promises that “it’ll be different this time!” aren’t enough. “There’s no way to guarantee with one hundred percent certainty that past conflicts won’t resurface,” Sharoni says. “However, there are signs that can help you figure out if your ex has genuinely changed and whether the relationship has a better chance of succeeding.

” If your split stemmed from a specific behavior or problem—maybe they lied, cheated, or had anger issues—here’s one key thing to observe: How do they talk about the breakup? Deflecting, getting defensive, or downplaying the past could signal that they’re not taking accountability or showing a desire to grow, Sharoni says. More promising behaviors, on the other hand, include sincerely apologizing, owning up to mistakes, or, at the very least, patiently working through your hesitations together. You should also consider whether any real work was done during your time apart. Did they already take steps to improve themselves, like going to therapy? Or did they simply distract themselves by partying or jumping into new situationships?

On the flip side, Sharoni also suggests turning the question back on yourself: What are a few examples of ways you’ve opened up about your feelings and been more vulnerable since the breakup, for instance? Or what inner work have you done to manage your jealousy? If your answer is “not much” or “hm, I don’t really know yet,” it could mean there’s more personal growth needed on your end before diving back into the relationship.

5. What steps do we still need to take so we don’t fall into old habits?

Just as important as reflecting on the past is planning a healthier future, Sharoni says. For example, if trust was broken, you might need to rebuild a sense of security through boundaries like limiting communication with exes, say, or being more transparent about late-night whereabouts. If conflict used to be a sticking point, you could create a solid strategy for handling it going forward; instead of going to bed angry and resentful like you used to, maybe you both agree to take 30 minutes to cool off before having a calm, judgment-free discussion (with “I” statements, of course).

By mapping out specific and clear changes, you’re building a foundation of trust that lets both of you feel safe, secure, and reassured that this time won’t be a repeat of the last. And with mutual effort and intentional change, your Relationship 2.0 won’t just be a rerun—it can be an upgrade instead.

Original article appeared on SELF

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