In probably her most famous poem, Marianne Williamson says: “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.”
Her words have been echoing in my head the past few weeks as I try to not celebrate my successes, no matter how little or big they are in public.
I don’t share Whatsapp or Facebook status updates showing all the strides I have made, the achievements and the many great things to celebrate in my life because I am scared of coming across as seeking to be celebrated more than others.
I am scared of driving my family and friends away, because it looks like I am unapologetically letting my light shine ever so bright.
Growing up in an impoverished village like Masobe in Pankop, Mpumalanga, does not make it easier. I carry the guilt of seeing many of my fellow villagers struggling and seeing their potential and talent go to waste through alcohol and drugs.
When the very same people whom I went to school with see me today, they call me uncle, bra yaka (my brother) and many other endearing names just to ask for R20 or R50 to buy a drink or packet of cigarettes.
I honestly want to be and live an honest life to myself. I don’t want to play small anymore. The truth is it does not serve the world.
I really don’t want people I grew up with, brother and sister cousins, to feel insecure and like underachievers when they are with me or around me. I want to shine. But I am also scared.
Williamson said something so comforting, so encouraging on how to deal with this guilt: “It is not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence liberates others.”
So from now on I am going to be unapologetic about how I shine my light. If people cannot handle me at a hundredfold, then they are not for me.
It is hard, because even the relationships with friends and family (mostly cousins), still depend on my communication and reaching out.
Twenty-seven years later, this is still a problem in my life. Myself and these people can go for months, some even years without talking unless I pick up the phone and call, send a text, make time to go visit or arrange something.
I am still afraid to be accused or labelled names such as “Mr Celebrity”; “he thinks he is better than us, because he appears on TV and we hear his voice on radio”; “he doesn’t visit or call anymore because things are looking up in his life”.
I’m not suggesting that one should be nasty to friends and family because things are going well in one’s own life. What I am saying is as we get older our priorities change. And if people are not willing to make an effort to keep relationships going, I’m done dimming my light so they feel better.
I have not changed, it is my life that happens to have more responsibilities. Also, I don’t have the leisure time I used to have to play small and ensure that everybody is happy with the one-sided relationship of my efforts.
Chabalala is the founder of the Young Men Movement, 2018 Obama Foundation Africa Leader, and the 2018 Finland Correspondent Programme participant.
He’s on kabelo03chabalala@gmail.com; Twitter, @KabeloJay; Facebook, Kabelo Chabalala