Healthy relationship, Toxic relationships, couple fights, unhealthy relations Healthy relationships can overcome any fight, Image: Freepik
Fighting, at least in the way we often picture it—yelling, cursing, slamming doors—definitely doesn’t scream healthy relationship goals. But that doesn’t necessarily mean never fighting is a flex either.
While you probably want to avoid dramatic cuss-filled blowups, icy silent treatments, and other unproductive ways of handling confrontation, “there’s a huge difference between fighting and simply having conflict,” Felicia De La Garza Mercer, PhD, Austin-based therapist and couples counselor, tells SELF. And despite what you may think, you actually want the latter in a healthy partnership.
Almost every couple (even the easygoing ones) runs into conflict at some point. Ideally, it just manifests as subtle, nonproblematic friction, Dr. De La Garza Mercer says. Think: mismatched spending habits, disagreements over travel plans, or clashing parenting opinions—relatively normal moments that don’t have to spell trouble (as long as you work through them respectfully, that is).
So never disagreeing? Ever? Well, that’s not always a green flag. Here’s how to know when your seemingly “peaceful” dynamic is more of a problem than a perk.
In the early stages of a relationship, “it’s natural to bite your tongue when you know something isn’t a big deal,” Dr. De La Garza Mercer explains. With those rose-tinted glasses on, everything probably feels easy and perfect. Plus, getting to know each other tends to take priority over nitpicking the small stuff during the whirlwind honeymoon phase.
It’s also possible that some couples may really mean it when they say they’ve never fought, Lia Huynh, LMFT, a licensed therapist based in San Jose, California, tells SELF. Usually this happens when both partners are so in sync with their communication styles that they can calmly work through any hiccups—without raising their voices and before they escalate into make-or-break moments.
These scenarios, however, are different from regularly swallowing your frustrations. For example, Huynh recommends paying attention to whether you find yourself doing so in order to “keep the peace.” Maybe you worry that bringing up your SO’s constant phone use during dinner dates will automatically lead to a breakup. Or that disagreeing with even one of their opinions could make them lose interest and walk away.
According to Huynh, a fear of conflict can stem from past experiences—perhaps your parents argued constantly and now you associate “fighting” with chaos. An ex shut you down whenever you voiced your needs, so you internalized the idea that it’s easier to stay quiet. It’s also possible that anxious attachment style—characterized by a fear of abandonment—plays a role, Huynh says, in which people-pleasing may seem like the only way to avoid rejection.
Whatever the reason you avoid confrontation, Dr. De La Garza Mercer points out that ignoring your true feelings won’t do you any good in the long run, since the habits or behaviors that bug you won’t just disappear. For instance, if it upsets you when your partner likes their ex’s Instagram posts, they won’t stop unless you speak up. Or if you’ve reluctantly agreed to spend every holiday with your nosy in-laws, faking a smile might keep the peace, but “you’re the one left feeling ignored, underappreciated, and unfulfilled when your core needs are constantly suppressed,” Huynh says.
What’s more: Minor, easily resolvable issues have a way of snowballing (and becoming even harder to work through) when you let them fester, she adds. So eventually, unspoken frustrations (socks on the floor, too many nights out, a pattern of flakiness) build into resentment, which can leak out in the form of unproductive, passive-aggressive comments or more explosive, potentially hurtful blowups.
To get a better sense of whether your “no fighting” dynamic is truly a red flag, Huynh recommends checking in with yourself and asking: Am I holding anything back right now? Consider whether something is still bothering you, for example—if you’re replaying a certain incident in your head or struggling to let it go long after it happened.
From there, you can get curious about what’s driving your hesitation to speak up. Are you letting things slide just to avoid tension? Are you more concerned with appearing “chill” and “low-maintenance” (versus validating your true emotions)? If the answer is yes, then it might be time to work on sharing those frustrations with your partner—lucky for you, we’ve got an entire guide on fighting fairly here.
Remember, “it’s not that fighting is inherently bad,” Dr. De La Garza Mercer explains (though if you spot these warning signs, your tactics could be turning toxic). “It’s more about how you do it that’s important.” Keep these tips in mind and inevitable disagreements won’t have to spiral into something bigger:
Use “I” statements to express your needs. Don’t come in hot with accusatory statements. Saying something like, “I felt kind of upset when you were late to our dinner date” comes across much better (and less hostile) than, “You clearly don’t care about me if you can’t even show up on time.”
Normalize apologizing when it’s needed. “Fighting becomes unhealthy when you’re focused on ‘winning,’” Dr. De La Garza Mercer explains. “When you do that, you’re basically saying that being ‘right’ matters more than your relationship” (which probably isn’t the case if you’re reading this article). That’s why instead, she recommends reframing an apology not as a sign of defeat, but as a step towards growth—and a simple, heartfelt, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” can go a long way in bringing you closer.
Don’t be afraid to take a break. This might look like taking a walk to cool off before sending a text you may regret later. Or agreeing to revisit the issue after dinner, when you’re both calmer. What matters is you’re coming back to work through the problem, rather than ignoring it and letting it fester.
Original article appeared on SELF US
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