Lukhanyo Makhenyane
Cape Town - I have several women in my life: my spouse, mother, siblings, friends, sisters in Christ.
The more I engage with them at a personal and emotional level, the more I realise there are many things we, as men, fail to understand.
Among those are three impacts that result from our actions. In dealing with these three impacts, I need to tread softly, take off my shoes, as this is a serious and sensitive matter.
Few men, if any, can be exempted on these issues.
The first impact is the impact of cheating. A woman can be cheated on many times, yet the impact is the same. We can cheaply say she is used to it, but the embarrassment of the last incident equates to the embarrassment of the first.
The moment she finds out, her confidence takes a nosedive, her performance is affected and her social foundations are shaken.
Furthermore, even long after the event, psychology has proven that women in this position develop chronic anxiety, post-traumatic stress, depression and mistrust of others. They are left emotional wrecks – angry, ashamed and full of regret.
The second impact is that of physical abuse. The wounds of physical abuse are deeper than scars and scratches. Make-up and surgery can hide the scars and scratches, but they fall short in dealing with heart problems, high blood pressure, digestive problems, depression, anxiety and eating disorders.
A woman who has been physically abused in public is never the same among her peers and society.
She quickly develops an inferiority complex, as the very man she was bragging about embarrassed her in front of other people.
Then comes the impact of sexual violence. The level of ignorance among men when it comes to rape is alarming and downright pathetic.
I once read about a man saying: “When does it become rape – I mean, she is used to having sex?”
In any circle, this ought to disturb your delicate sensibilities! The physical scars can heal to some extent, but the emotional scars of rape will never heal.
When a woman is raped, I believe all her being is affected – socially, physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, and she never recovers in all these aspects. If all these areas of her life are affected, she has nowhere to run to, as everywhere she turns to reminds her of what happened to her.
Even after writing about these impacts in this piece, one can pick up loopholes that are evidence of my lack of understanding as a man.
The fact that women still complain about cheating, more cases of GBV are being filed daily and trauma units are filled with women who have been sexually assaulted shows how we fail to understand the impact of our actions.
All of the above issues have been known to lead to the suicides of those we claim to love.
Can we stand on top of their graves bearing the inscription: Love did all of this? I think we can do better, my brothers.
Dr Makhenyane is a lecturer in the African Languages Department at the University of Fort Hare. He writes in his personal capacity
Cape Times
* The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of IOL or Independent Media.