In my opinion, one of the most challenging abilities for a parent to master is the ability to convey a crucial lesson to their child while still keeping a healthy parent-child bond.
How many times have you had a challenging talk with your child and one of you — or both of you — ended the conversation feeling hurt?
Or perhaps the tense exchange ended with yelling, insults, or harsh judgments.
Even more challenging is that a lot of the crucial discussions we need to have with our children entail strong emotions.
When this occurs, it is difficult for the child to truly hear what we are trying to communicate.
It seems as though our children's listening centres in their brains are turned off when they feel attacked, judged, or unwelcomed, and they instead spend all their energy arguing the contrary of what we are trying to convince them of.
Counselling psychologist, Lekha Daya, with over a decade of mental health experience working with children, adolescents and adults from various backgrounds and cultures, says, “There are topics that may trigger shame or a level of discomfort which a parent may not know how to tolerate, causing them to avoid a conversation.
“There may also be a gap in parents’ understanding of their teenager’s world because it differs so much from their own experience of youth. Some parents may feel inadequate at facilitating conversations about difficult topics and prefer just not to have them.
“Others may be resistant to learning about and fully understanding the online world, especially when it comes to grappling with both the positives and negatives of gaming and social media.”
You must be able to identify what makes a talk significant as well as the typical mistakes parents make that result in misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and/or a strained parent-child relationship before you can begin adopting any unique communication techniques.
Here are some tips for having these hard conversations:
Begin by becoming conscious of oneself
Think about any pain or embarrassment you may be experiencing that may be preventing you from addressing crucial issues related to internet safety. When the subject is brought up, it can be helpful to be aware of any physical symptoms of your own nervousness, such as a constriction of the chest, a rapid heartbeat, or a need to fidget.
Lekha says, “Self-awareness is a lifelong process but one that requires commitment from all parents to equip themselves in having difficult conversations. Building self-awareness for yourself as a parent and for your teen starts with understanding that your responses are often from your own childhood experiences and exposure.”
A conversation about a difficult subject is challenging, but you don't have to be "perfect." Adjust your expectations. Lekha says, “Self-compassion and allowing for one’s own feelings of vulnerability is important. Know that you will not always get it 'right' in difficult conversations, and that’s okay.
“Sometimes, your teen might seem to have a knack of bringing up a difficult conversation when you feel unprepared. Sometimes, you won’t know the answers to their questions. Take the pressure off yourself to have the conversation ‘perfectly’, and forge ahead with it rather than avoid it.
“You don’t need to know it all, you can acknowledge what you’re not sure of or don’t know, and then open the conversation up again at a later stage when you’ve found out more. It’s important to be able to say: ‘I might not know all there is to know but my priority is always going to be what is healthy for your growth and happiness’.”
Lastly, recognise the influence you have as a good role model
Even though it may make you feel vulnerable, talking openly and honestly with your teen about a problematic subject sets the vital example that it's okay to discuss difficult topics.