QUESTION: When I met my second husband seven years ago, I was thrilled to find a man who treats me like a sex goddess. He loves me in make-up, glamorous clothes and sexy lingerie. But if I slob around bare-faced in pyjamas, my husband sulks and makes it clear sex is off the cards. I feel as if he only loves the “glam” me, but can’t cope with the real one. How can I change this?
ANSWER: I have great sympathy for your predicament. I like to dress up to the nines, but can see how swiftly it would become a chore if I was never allowed to don jeans. Your husband sounds like a little boy lost, who was enchanted by the glamour of grown-up women when young.
He seems to believe women should behave like pin-ups, rather than slipper-wearing mortals. The trouble is that it’s hard for a middle-aged man to change his erotic predilections. If your chap has found himself turned on by a woman in red lipstick and stockings since he was a teenager, no amount of wishing will make him find jim-jams sexy. I can see how easy it is to interpret this as a rejection, but I wonder if that’s strictly true.
To play devil’s advocate: I presume your partner is faithful and loving in all other respects and doesn’t pant after every dolled-up woman he meets? He’s specific, loyal and focused in loving you, isn’t he? It’s simply that what sets him on fire is the “real you” in make-up and silk slips.
This sounds unreasonable, until you think of how many women have definite preferences when it comes to their spouses’ appearances. Few women I know can resist their husband when he’s washed, cleanly-shaven and peacocking around in black tie, for example. Many females get misty-eyed over servicemen in mess uniform. Perhaps a clear preference for sexy outfits is more universal than you think?
But he interprets comfy casuals as a rejection of him - you need to make it clear it’s an illogical conclusion. Sometimes this is best talked about with a skilled relationship counsellor, so the affronted person sees they’re overreacting.
I can’t help wondering if your husband was pushed away in a previous relationship. Perhaps his mother was neglectful, or his ex, and he becomes overly anxious if your attention to him seems to fade.
He could just be a boorish bully, but then his unkindness would spread into other areas. Control freaks tend to criticise numerous areas of their partners’ lives, whereas your spouse seems to have a very specific sexual anxiety.
If your husband is worthy of you, he will work to overcome his insecurity. He will realise there’s no disrespect in sometimes donning a pair of flannel pyjamas. In fact, it shows deep security in the relationship that you can strip down to your most intimate and simple level of being.
Perhaps your spouse has never experienced the delight of slobbing around in woollen undies and will appreciate the benefits only when he has. Buy him a onesie for Christmas - I bet you won’t fancy him in it! - Daily Mail