It happened for me when I travelled or was on holiday on my own. I met someone, there was a spark, we had a good time, which included sex, and then went home.
When I was at university, I had a friend with benefits in my hometown. We’d both get back from our respective universities and have a wonderful summer holiday until we went back to our respective lives, until next time. It went on for years.
I never really thought about how to navigate it or what it was. It just happened and I’m pleased it did. It was fun, thrilling and liberating. It never affected what was happening in my “real life”.
We both understood exactly what it was.
If I were to hazard a guess, I would say that my casual partners were the ones who were sceptical about what I was up to. Aren’t women supposed to get attached and want more?
Maybe, but not me.
But you’re not me and maybe this is something you’d like to try. You’d like to have sex but don’t want the whole relationship thing. If you’re heading this way it’s important to talk about what you want, need or expect from the other person.
You might not want the entanglements and emotional connection, but you have to make perfectly sure that everyone is on the same page. The other person or persons involved need to be able to make an informed decision.
Many years ago, when I was in school (and no, I was not having sex yet). I had a flaming hot holiday romance. He was gorgeous and allegedly from Cape Town. I lied and alleged I was from Johannesburg. I was from Klerksdorp, but no self-respecting 15-year-old is going to admit to that.
At the end of the holiday, we agreed that it was nothing more than a holiday romance and did not exchange addresses or phone numbers. For 15-year-olds it was very adult.
I went back to Klerksdorp and 3 months later, at an inter school athletics day, who do you think I bumped into? Yes, my holiday crush! We were both from Klerksdorp!
We never picked up the relationship but remained friends for years. He eventually dated a friend of mine.
The point of the story is that we remained mature and knew exactly what we’d had.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that many men are more than happy to have casual sex. I don’t know that many looking for a long-term, committed relationship. You can swipe left and find yourself in bed at the drop of a hat.
I know fewer women who are looking for casual sex. We do exist. There are fewer of us because sex can be complicated for us.
If you are wanting a benefits roll in crisp white sheets, then I suggest you be honest from the start.
Here are a couple of prompts:
I’m so attracted to you and think we could have some fun. I’m not looking for a relationship or anything serious right now. Does keeping it casual work for you?
Before we go any further, I want to make sure that we’re on the same page. I’m here for a bit of fun. Nothing serious or long term. Does that suit you?
I think communication is important. I’d like to keep this casual but understand that we might need some guidelines. Could we talk about those before we go any further?
It beats the hell out of waking up the next morning and finding a toothbrush and a drawer of clothes has arrived. It is important for you both to decide what you want to do. Is it an one-off or are you going to date in between other dates. Is it a when-I’m-in-town thing? This isn’t a traditional relationship structure. You co-write the rules.
And then stick to them.
There has got to be enthusiastic consent from both parties, otherwise you’re in for disaster and even heartbreak. I have a rule: never have sex with someone more than 3 times. I don’t know why but after that it starts to get complicated. You will need to loop back and re-evaluate the agreement. If it no longer works for you, you have to say so and if necessary, renegotiate.
You can’t be hoping he won’t notice and wake up one morning and love you back. You both have to respect the terms of the agreement. You must touch base to ensure that the boundaries remain in place. Consider how often you’d like to check in to make sure that you are both on the same course.
If things change, you want something else or you no longer find the relationship satisfying, you need to re-evaluate your needs and wants and then put them on the table.
I do believe that every relationship has a time span and when it’s done, it’s done. No need to be nasty about it.
Everyone has the right to change their mind. Emotions are bound to form (especially after the third time). You might want more or less. You can change your mind but what you can’t do is be hurt or feel betrayed because your friend with benefits doesn’t feel the same way.
You have to stick to the rules unless you both decide to make some new ones. My partner and I started as a one-night stand and now 22 years later, we’re still negotiating the future.
Saturday Star